Post by gizmo on Apr 8, 2006 10:54:13 GMT
All cats, please take note! ;D
The main object of walking is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
~~~
If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a launderette and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
~~~
Always sit just around the corner of a door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
~~~
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
~~~
Following are the rules for "hampering":
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
~~~
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
~~~
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
~~~
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
~~~
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
~~~
At bedtime, Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
~~~
Play is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
~~~
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
~~~
The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention.
~~~
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
The main object of walking is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
~~~
If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a launderette and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
~~~
Always sit just around the corner of a door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
~~~
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
~~~
Following are the rules for "hampering":
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
~~~
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
~~~
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
~~~
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
~~~
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
~~~
At bedtime, Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
~~~
Play is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
~~~
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
~~~
The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention.
~~~
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.